Late Nights

quiet houses, and being alone in my head.

Thats how these thoughts get started. Thoughts of my husband coming home on his 2 weeks of R&R, of what it will be like to be a "family" for that short time.

I wonder how he will deal with it when Steven's crying...

I wonder what he's going to think of me the first time he sees me naked again - 

Honest thoughts.

Ones that I know I'm not the only to experience.

I have fears.

That he's not going to mix well with having a baby. Or that he'll be unsure of his role in our family dynamic.

Fears that he's going to see my stomach and think "What the hell?!"

Mostly I fear how I will react. 

I've been bottling everything up inside, and not intentially - but it seems like this deployment nothing has come out... Well not since I had Steven I should say....

Last time, I cried when I needed to. Laughed when I could, and was pissed whenever the mood suited me. This time I only cried before I gave birth. Occasionally a tear or two will leak out, but usually over some stupid T.V. show or movie that I'm watching - nothing enough to really make a difference in this emotional backlog I've got going on...

Instead I spend my nights awake, long after Steven's down for the count. Thinking about life, my fears, my goals, the possibility of what is. And occasionally mourning what was.

I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do when I see Matthew walking towards me through gate security at the airport. I just hope that I don't break down and make a fool of myself right there in the airport with people standing there watching. 

So much to think about - fears... They weigh on my mind and just wont let go.  

Living my life like its golden

This is my new mantra:

What I hope helps to get me through each day. That I accomplish at least one thing on my To Do list, but also one thing on my Want To Do list.

Even if its as simple as "I want to spend 4 hours doing nothing other than play with/stare at my son."

I want to live my life in a way that when I look back in a month, year, 10 years, 50 years I can be happy with what I did. 

I want to accomplish things not only for myself, but also for my husband, my son, and my entire extended family.

Living my life like its golden... Living my life with purpose. And being proud of that purpose.

How hard

I never realized how hard this would/could/can be...

I thought the first deployment was difficult, but at least then I could cry when I needed to - not talk to anyone when I needed to, and hide in a hole when I needed to. This time...

hell this time doesn't even compare.

I'm scared each and every day - I hold it in well... At least thats what most people tell me... but I'm still scared. I want to cry, and tears leak out throughout the day if something remotely touches me... but I can't seem to sit down and have a real cry. It just wont come out... It refuses.... 

I've thought about having my mom watch the little man for me so that I could have a few hours just to let everything out... to relax enough for my guard to come down. Yet I haven't done so. I want to kick someone's teeth in, but I don't know whose.

Yet at the same time I don't feel like I have the right to complain - my husband is coming home to me. I'm lucky. 

I hate this... the contradictions. The waiting, the self-loathing... the doubting.... 

I need to go... 

Life

I have the hardest time right now keeping myself positive all the time - which I know to have that expectation for myself is a bit high. I try my hardest to maintain a positive outlook on life, but its hard sitting here all day everyday, watching my son grow and change everyday and knowing that Matthew is just missing so darn much.

Its also hard being away from the friends that I made in California because those beautiful ladies know what I'm going through - we can be supportive of each other, understand why we're each having a bad day, and just help each other out through rough patches. And while we're doing our best to stay in contact with each other, its just not the same. 

I hadn't realized how dependent I'd gotten the lunches with the girls, the breakfasts, and just being able to get together whenever we felt the need... Here in Soldotna I am isolated... No one understands what I'm going through, though they try to be supportive it falls short.

And I swear if one more person points out "I can't believe that Matthew hasn't seen Steven yet." Or "How can you do this, be away from him for so long, and know that this is your life?" I'm going to stab them in the throat!

I'm having the hardest time staying happy enough for my son, then they point this out and my life just wants to crumble down. More than once I've found myself smiling through the tears, trying to survive, trying to be positive, and to not let them see that I do have weaknesses - because God Forbid I, Zori, have weakness. That I'm not always the rock, solid in my ways, beyond emotions...

I know its a good thing in the long run that I'm back here living near family, and the few remaining friends... but at the same time, I'm sure I'll want to hurt someone before the year is over.

We're just over 3.5 months into this damn deployment - which means just under 9 months left... If we're lucky. 

3 months until he gets to come home for his 2 weeks R&R... If we're lucky.

If I'm lucky I'll hear from him this week.

If I'm lucky I'll get a letter from him sometime this month.

If I'm lucky...

I'll find the positive me again - the person who wakes up greeting the day - who doesn't mind doing the little things to keep myself motivated... 

If I'm lucky.

Almost...

Well we're just about 3 months into this deployment, and while I keep meaning to come on and write - I keep sidetracking myself.

I got caught up in getting ready for the birth of our son, Steven... He was born April 3rd - roughly 9 days early but perfect in every way shape, and form. For everyone who has met Matthew, or seen pictures of him there is no doubt that he is Steven's daddy - its like I have a clone of my husband laying in the crib next to me.

He came out with a full head of hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes... At just 7 pounds he was a bit smaller than I think any of us expected, but not short - coming in at 19.5 inches long!

Having him to hold in my arms has helped with the passing of time, days seem to go by faster and I look forward to the rising of the sun each day... Matthew's able to call quite frequently, though of course never as often as I would like.

And the most amazing thing tech wise has finally happened! The team got internet in their hooches and so we can use Skype and talk with each other through the computer... He can call not only my cellphone using it, but my computer itself!!! So we are able to chat via the internet, and also WEBCAM!!!

Matthew has been able to see his son in realtime - though not face to face - but so much better than what generations before us have had available. 

At this point I can't complain about the path that life has put us on - We were blessed with an amazing baby boy, and the luxury to be able to talk often and at length. My mother was able to come down and stay with me, getting here early so if Steven made an early appearance I wouldn't be alone - and is staying with me to help me pack my stuff so we can move back home for the duration of the deployment.

My father came over for a week after Steven was born, of course originally it was supposed to encompass the time in which he was due - but as life goes to show, not everything goes according to plan.

I know that this is a rambling post - but its just some thoughts that I've had floating around in my head and thought that maybe I would finally get them written down...

He's Gone

Matthew left on Thursday morning... 

We woke up at 2:20am (after only going to bed at midnight), left the apartment complex by about 3am because he had to be at the parade deck by 4am. I'm so thankful for my friend Stacy - she let us use her car, and went with us so that after the guys left I wouldn't have to drive home by myself.

She helped to keep me sane for the first hour and a half since I didn't even see Matthew during that time because they had to get weapons assigned and checked out to each and every Marine who was leaving that morning.

I know that this is our second deployment, and it should feel easier - but seeing as last time I wasn't there for when the busses actually left - nor was I pregnant last time (which means I'm more than emotional) - it really hasn't been easier, yet.

I tried so hard to remain in control while at the parade deck, I knew that he was more than stressed getting ready to leave, but also I knew that he was/is worried about me and our little man, Steven. Though I couldn't hold all my tears once we were given the "Family 10 minutes for goodbyes" warning... 

Already I miss my husband, my babe, my lover, my best friend... Watching the busses pull away was probably one of the hardest things that I've ever done in my life - but hopefully in roughly a year I will see those busses coming towards me, and I'll be loving that moment as much as I hated Thursday morning.

I think I'm going to be ending this post here, my thoughts are kind of winding all over the place - and I need a little time to gather my thoughts... Maybe I'll get back on here later tonight, but I don't really know right now.