Its also hard being away from the friends that I made in California because those beautiful ladies know what I'm going through - we can be supportive of each other, understand why we're each having a bad day, and just help each other out through rough patches. And while we're doing our best to stay in contact with each other, its just not the same.
I hadn't realized how dependent I'd gotten the lunches with the girls, the breakfasts, and just being able to get together whenever we felt the need... Here in Soldotna I am isolated... No one understands what I'm going through, though they try to be supportive it falls short.
And I swear if one more person points out "I can't believe that Matthew hasn't seen Steven yet." Or "How can you do this, be away from him for so long, and know that this is your life?" I'm going to stab them in the throat!
I'm having the hardest time staying happy enough for my son, then they point this out and my life just wants to crumble down. More than once I've found myself smiling through the tears, trying to survive, trying to be positive, and to not let them see that I do have weaknesses - because God Forbid I, Zori, have weakness. That I'm not always the rock, solid in my ways, beyond emotions...
I know its a good thing in the long run that I'm back here living near family, and the few remaining friends... but at the same time, I'm sure I'll want to hurt someone before the year is over.
We're just over 3.5 months into this damn deployment - which means just under 9 months left... If we're lucky.
3 months until he gets to come home for his 2 weeks R&R... If we're lucky.
If I'm lucky I'll hear from him this week.
If I'm lucky I'll get a letter from him sometime this month.
If I'm lucky...
I'll find the positive me again - the person who wakes up greeting the day - who doesn't mind doing the little things to keep myself motivated...
If I'm lucky.
