Living my life like its golden

This is my new mantra:

What I hope helps to get me through each day. That I accomplish at least one thing on my To Do list, but also one thing on my Want To Do list.

Even if its as simple as "I want to spend 4 hours doing nothing other than play with/stare at my son."

I want to live my life in a way that when I look back in a month, year, 10 years, 50 years I can be happy with what I did. 

I want to accomplish things not only for myself, but also for my husband, my son, and my entire extended family.

Living my life like its golden... Living my life with purpose. And being proud of that purpose.

How hard

I never realized how hard this would/could/can be...

I thought the first deployment was difficult, but at least then I could cry when I needed to - not talk to anyone when I needed to, and hide in a hole when I needed to. This time...

hell this time doesn't even compare.

I'm scared each and every day - I hold it in well... At least thats what most people tell me... but I'm still scared. I want to cry, and tears leak out throughout the day if something remotely touches me... but I can't seem to sit down and have a real cry. It just wont come out... It refuses.... 

I've thought about having my mom watch the little man for me so that I could have a few hours just to let everything out... to relax enough for my guard to come down. Yet I haven't done so. I want to kick someone's teeth in, but I don't know whose.

Yet at the same time I don't feel like I have the right to complain - my husband is coming home to me. I'm lucky. 

I hate this... the contradictions. The waiting, the self-loathing... the doubting.... 

I need to go...