I thought the first deployment was difficult, but at least then I could cry when I needed to - not talk to anyone when I needed to, and hide in a hole when I needed to. This time...
hell this time doesn't even compare.
I'm scared each and every day - I hold it in well... At least thats what most people tell me... but I'm still scared. I want to cry, and tears leak out throughout the day if something remotely touches me... but I can't seem to sit down and have a real cry. It just wont come out... It refuses....
I've thought about having my mom watch the little man for me so that I could have a few hours just to let everything out... to relax enough for my guard to come down. Yet I haven't done so. I want to kick someone's teeth in, but I don't know whose.
Yet at the same time I don't feel like I have the right to complain - my husband is coming home to me. I'm lucky.
I hate this... the contradictions. The waiting, the self-loathing... the doubting....
I need to go...
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