Thats how these thoughts get started. Thoughts of my husband coming home on his 2 weeks of R&R, of what it will be like to be a "family" for that short time.
I wonder how he will deal with it when Steven's crying...
I wonder what he's going to think of me the first time he sees me naked again -
Honest thoughts.
Ones that I know I'm not the only to experience.
I have fears.
That he's not going to mix well with having a baby. Or that he'll be unsure of his role in our family dynamic.
Fears that he's going to see my stomach and think "What the hell?!"
Mostly I fear how I will react.
I've been bottling everything up inside, and not intentially - but it seems like this deployment nothing has come out... Well not since I had Steven I should say....
Last time, I cried when I needed to. Laughed when I could, and was pissed whenever the mood suited me. This time I only cried before I gave birth. Occasionally a tear or two will leak out, but usually over some stupid T.V. show or movie that I'm watching - nothing enough to really make a difference in this emotional backlog I've got going on...
Instead I spend my nights awake, long after Steven's down for the count. Thinking about life, my fears, my goals, the possibility of what is. And occasionally mourning what was.
I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do when I see Matthew walking towards me through gate security at the airport. I just hope that I don't break down and make a fool of myself right there in the airport with people standing there watching.
So much to think about - fears... They weigh on my mind and just wont let go.
No comments:
Post a Comment